Chapter Text
The weekend faded away, and with it went the bubble of contentment Hailey had been intentionally surrounding herself with. As eager as she was to get back to the district and put the terrible events of the previous week behind her, she was also all too aware that she was going to be working against her own reactions from a few days ago. Her brief phone call with Voight had cleared the air between them (kind of), but there was a whole other team of people who had witnessed her less than professional actions that day. Even Cass, her new coworker who had come into the squad knowing nothing of Hailey’s history, had now surely been made aware of her issues. She had completely wasted the clean slate her new colleague had provided her, adding one more name to the list of people who now regarded her as unpredictable. Volatile. A liability in a profession where consistency was paramount.
As she went through the motions Monday morning, getting herself and her mindset ready for whatever she may face at the district that day, Hailey allowed herself to recognize that she may be catastrophizing just a bit. That her coworkers who witnessed her subpar response to the case were the same ones who had watched her unravel the first time. They had had a front row seat as she tried and failed to cope in Jay’s absence, and once she had found the courage to explain the particulars behind her downfall, they welcomed her back with open arms. These people were her friends, mostly. They knew everything that she was still learning how to come back from. And, hopefully, they would recognize Hailey’s reaction last Friday the way she herself was now trying to view it: as a small step backwards that would ultimately help her progress forward.
She knew that what mattered most now was how she responded. The shame was not in the falling down, but in the staying down. So Hailey vowed that she was going to make sure she picked herself up today. No wallowing, no self-pity or self-deprecation. She was just going to show up and be the best damn cop that she could.
To her relief, the only other person in the bullpen when Hailey arrived was Torres. He acknowledged her presence with a nod as she walked toward her desk and draped her jacket over the chair.
“Have a good weekend?” she asked him while she got situated.
“Yeah. Spent all day Saturday in the kitchen with my ma making rellenitos. What about you?”
And here was the point where she had a decision to make. Keep things surface level, or allow herself to show a little vulnerability to her coworkers.
It was just Dante, after all.
“It started out a little rough,” she admitted. “The case got to me, and so did the sarge’s reaction. But it got better. Jay and I got to just hang out on Saturday, spent most of yesterday catching up on housework.”
“You good now?”
“Yeah,” Hailey answered. “I’m good now. It still catches me off guard sometimes how much these cases can knock me on my ass if I’m not careful. But I’m learning.”
“And Halstead… he helps you with that?”
Hailey looked back over her shoulder to analyze Torres’ intention behind the question. But like always, his face was a mask of inscrutability as he focused on his monitor.
“Yes, Dante. He helps me a lot. He’s my husband.”
“That doesn’t mean anything,” he muttered, and Hailey wasn’t sure if he meant for her to hear it or not.
But she did. And she took a few large strides until she was standing next to his desk, finally drawing his attention away from whatever it was that he found so fascinating on his computer. Her voice was firm, maybe even a little hard, when she replied, “Yes, it does.” And she was prepared to go on, to let Torres know very clearly that he had no place commenting on the state of their marriage (or any marriage, really), but she didn’t have to. After a beat, he nodded.
“Right,” he said. “Sorry.”
She eyed him cautiously before stepping back towards her own desk. “Whatever your opinions are about Jay, know that he is not the reason everything fell apart. Sometimes women just have problems that are deeper than our husbands.”
“It’s fine, Hailey. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Look,” she started, glancing around to make sure there were no unexpected ears nearby, “you and I both have a little too much experience with our mothers being in bad relationships with no easy way out. Stuff like that isn’t easy to forget, and I don’t blame you at all for seeing all relationships through that lens. But I’m telling you right now, this isn’t that. Jay is a good man, and he’s made some dumb choices, but I’m not trapped with him. I am choosing him. And I am doing so much better than I was four months ago - I really hope that’s evident - that’s not in spite of him, okay? He is not the enemy here.”
She had sat down and started going through the mess leftover from her abrupt departure a few days earlier before he answered, “I didn’t mean it like that, Hailey. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t just pretending like everything’s okay.”
“Nope, no more pretending,” she assured him. “What you see is what you get. Which is why it can get a little ugly from time to time.”
If Dante had a response, she didn’t get to hear it, because Kevin came up the stairs complaining loudly about the chill that had settled in overnight. And he was followed by the rest of the team over the next few minutes, the conversation bouncing from the weather to the caseload to Adam’s new pants to the perils of trying to keep kids on a sleeping schedule and then back to the caseload once Voight got tired of the lollygagging.
Hailey put the conversation far from her mind, focusing instead on the paperwork that had been long forgotten in the bustle of the Raina Sterling case. And if any of her other coworkers had concerns about her after last week’s outburst, they didn’t voice them. She continued fluctuating between the need to overcompensate, acting confidently and assuredly to counteract any confusion about her mental state, and the conflicting desire to just own it; to be up front about how affected she had been and how she was working now to reinsert herself into a situation that had left her reeling only a few short days ago.
But as the minutes ticked on, Hailey became more and more comfortable with the idea that neither of these fronts were ones she had to put on. She didn’t have to be one or the other; she wasn’t a coin with two opposite sides. It was okay - welcomed, even - to exist in that uncertain, ill-defined middle part. No one was judging her for allowing her timid side to coexist peacefully beside her tenacity. No one was demanding that she choose a label, that she claim decidedly which version of herself was showing up at the district today. She could be heartsick over their most recent case and proud that she came back anyway and bored of typing up reports and annoyed by Torres’ insinuation and still a little tired from the weekend.
They were all jumbled up inside of her. But no one seemed to mind. And if no one else had a problem with her working from a place of uncertainty, then she wasn’t going to spend too much energy trying to understand it herself.
The day passed slowly, no one willing to say out loud that they might make it through the shift without catching another case, lest they jinx the squad and cause a doozy to fall into their laps. And the superstition worked, because they were still in the squad room hours later when the clock finally told them they could make their way home.
It wasn’t until she was in her car driving toward their apartment that Hailey was struck with the recollection of something else that was supposed to occur on Friday. She felt a degree of shame, both that it hadn’t happened and that she hadn’t even realized it until just now. The guilt overwhelmed her, and Hailey called Jay right away, not even sure if his own workday was done yet.
“Hey, Hailey, everything all right?”
“You didn’t go to your support group Friday night.”
There was hesitation on the other end of the line before he answered, “I told you, I was more than happy to skip that to be with you on our anniversary.”
“And I told you that I didn’t want you to have to do that. I thought we had agreed on that.”
“Hailey,” he groaned, and she could picture him running a hand down his face in frustration as he spoke, “you weren’t answering your phone. I didn’t know where you were, what was going through your mind. Support group wasn’t even on my radar at that point.”
Of course she knew that. And she wasn’t sure what hearing him say it out loud was supposed to accomplish, except maybe to solidify the ball of guilt that had been lingering in the back of her throat.
“I’m sorry, Jay,” she replied, her voice thick. “I wasn’t thinking…” She didn’t finish the thought. There was nothing she could say that would make her actions sound any more justifiable.
“I know. The day didn’t exactly turn out how either of us wanted. That’s not your fault, Hailey.”
“Part of it is,” she argued. “I should have had my ringer on.”
“Maybe,” he conceded. “Where are you?”
“Driving home. No new cases today.”
“Nice. I should be finishing up soon. You want to do something?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know,” he answered. “Anything. I haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet.”
“How long does it take you to order a bottle of tequila for your brother?”
“Ha ha,” he replied in an exaggeratedly slow voice. “It’s not just him. I’ve got to get something for Natalie and Owen now, too. Plus, I figure I have some sucking up to do with your family, and my new coworkers. There’s quite a list.”
“You don’t have to get my family anything,” she quickly assured him.
“There are a lot of things I don’t have to do. That’s not the point. Come on. Let’s just walk around the mall and get some ideas.”
Hailey really didn’t feel like that was necessary, but she felt too much guilt now over how much anxiety her recent behavior had caused her husband to say no. And besides, she still had some residual restlessness after a whole day inside the district.
“Okay,” she agreed, wiping away a sniffle with her shirt sleeve. “Where do you want to meet up?”
They had never done this.
It was so odd for Jay to reconcile that fact. He and Hailey had been married for two years, together in some capacity for several more, and never once had they done something as mundane as a casual shopping trip together. Even when they got their first place as a couple, it had been a matter of downsizing their two sets of furniture rather than buying anything new. Sure, they had gone for groceries or other essentials countless times, but that was always strategic and efficient, just another aspect of their life that had to be micromanaged around whatever was going on in Intelligence. And there had been a few housewares that needed replacing since the beginning of their relationship, but that was usually accomplished with a brief online search for whatever was most similar to what they already had.
They had never aimlessly wandered around a shopping mall. They had never done any holiday shopping together.
And Jay had never felt inclined to inquire about how complicated that entire process was for Hailey.
“So,” he ventured as they made their way through the variety of stores, “do you normally get your parents a Christmas gift?”
She smiled weakly. “Sometimes. It just depends.”
“On what?”
Hailey let out a long sigh before answering. “On how busy I am at work around that time of year. On how guilty I’m feeling, or how absent I’ve been the rest of the year, or how sad my mom sounds on the phone when I tell her I can’t make it to family dinner.” She shrugged. “It’s complicated. But I do usually try to get something for my brothers, and the kids, even though I usually have to cheat to know what they’re into.”
“Cheat how?” Jay asked, eyebrow raised.
“Well, I am a detective. I look for context clues. Get on my sister-in-law’s facebook and look at pictures from throughout the year. Their Halloween costumes are usually dead giveaways. Birthday party themes, too.”
“That’s not cheating,” Jay insisted, “just being observant.”
“I wouldn’t have to be so observant, though, if I was actually present at those events. You know?”
“They know you’re busy. And you did show up for Brianna’s concert, right? So at least we know she likes the cello.”
“We?” Hailey asked skeptically.
“Yes. We,” he answered. “Part of being married is going together on gifts for people, right? So let’s go to the music store and see if there’s anything she might like.”
“Does that mean I have to sign my name on whatever it is you decide to get Will and Natalie?” she asked.
“Not only that, but you get to help me pick it out,” he pointed out.
“Great. What did they dress up as for Halloween, again?”
Jay laughed as they stopped at a directory to locate the music store. “Owen wanted to be Yoshi, so they were Mario and Princess Peach.”
“Oh, right. So Owen will be easy. A video game.”
“All right, two gift ideas down. See how easy this is when we do it together? Should we be writing this stuff down?”
“No,” she replied, “I think I can remember two things, although we still need to narrow them down into something more specific. Let’s go see what the music store has before we cross that one off.”
It wasn’t until they were in the food court an hour later munching on soft pretzels that Jay garnered the courage to ask another question.
“So… what was Christmas like for you growing up?”
This actually was a topic that had come up before, discussed in broad terms and generalizations about holiday revelry. But he meant it on a deeper level now, and he was pretty sure that Hailey understood that, as well.
She shrugged, dipping a piece of pretzel into some mustard before popping it in her mouth. Once she swallowed it, she said, “It was about how you would imagine it to be, I guess. Exciting. Festive. Until the alcohol kicked in and all the rowdiness and extra noise and energy and stress pushed him over the edge and it all came crashing down. Sometimes he wouldn’t drink on Christmas day, but that just meant he would do it the day before or the day after. It was never…” She paused a moment as the words seemed to catch in her throat. “It was never completely carefree, you know? I mean, we all loved it, because there were treats and presents and time off school, just the same as any kid. But there was always sort of this unspoken knowledge that the other shoe was going to drop. That things wouldn’t stay pleasant. But that was every day, you know? Not just the holidays. So you learn pretty quickly to just enjoy the calm while it lasts.”
“To compartmentalize,” Jay suggested.
“Yeah,” she nodded, “I guess. Because what else are you supposed to do? Not enjoy anything about life ever because you know that something bad will happen eventually?” She tore off another piece of her pretzel and kneaded it between her fingers. “It almost feels like the opposite should be true: our lows were really low, so we made the most out of the highs while we could.”
“So what were the highs? What was the best thing about Upton family Christmas?” Jay felt like an idiot asking this question. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing Hailey’s parents could have done that would redeem them in his eyes. But she had been pretty clear that she didn’t appreciate him painting them with too broad a brush, so he felt like he owed it to her to at least try to see another side of them.
The fact that it took her so long to find an answer really highlighted just how difficult this subject was for her. “When we lived in Greektown, we would do Kalanta, which is kind of like a combination of Christmas caroling and trick-or-treating. Kids form these small groups and go house to house singing, and then they usually give you a few coins or a piece of candy. I remember that feeling like such a big deal when I was younger, but we didn’t do it anymore after we moved.”
“Do you remember the songs?” Jay asked curiously.
“Mm-hmm,” she murmured eagerly, the pride undeniable in her eyes.
When she didn’t expand on her reply, he inquired, “Are you going to sing them for me?”
She raised an eyebrow at his question, but when he didn’t back down, she said, “I will on Christmas Eve.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
Hailey couldn’t sleep.
(What else was new?)
But tonight, she didn’t feel as hopeless about it as she usually did. In fact, as she lay in bed, absorbing the dark and the quiet and the weight of her husband’s arm slung across her waist, it almost felt peaceful. Her mind was occupied, still busy running through all that had transpired in recent days. Remembering what happened. Analyzing her response to it. And surprising herself that, in spite of it all, she still felt relatively okay about it all.
Earlier that evening, when Jay had oh-so-subtly brought up the topic of how her family celebrated the winter holidays, she had felt her heart rate increase at the idea of opening up to anyone about the truth of her early years. She had spent so many years harboring the ugly truth of her childhood as her own personal shame that it struck anxiety into her before she could even understand why or where it was coming from. It was innate at this point. But she was so proud of herself that she didn’t give into it. She had sat with the discomfort for just a moment before deciding that answering Jay’s question wasn’t as risky as her body wanted her to believe it was. So, she did it scared. She had leaned into the fear, looked it straight in the face and decided that it wasn’t as important as pursuing the intimacy she and her husband had been working toward so diligently for months now.
And it had paid off. Not in any major, noticeable way. But in the way his eyes softened around the corners as she recounted the simple anecdote from her past. The earnestness in his voice as he asked if she still remembered the songs they used to sing. In the way the pounding of her heart eased off as the details emerged slowly from her memory, ceasing altogether with the realization that this was okay. That she didn’t have to keep her childhood secrets compressed inside of her. That she could share the truth with someone whose approval meant more to her than anything in the world and not have to be afraid of him using it against her. That, on the contrary, he could catch a glimpse of her most desolate inner places and just be satisfied to have the chance to understand her a little better.
It almost made her feel like she had been crazy to believe anything to the contrary for so long. Why - how? - had she been made to believe that everything was a trap? That nothing was what it seemed, that everyone was out to get her, and she could rely on no one but herself? Who benefited from that? The simple answer was her father, but Hailey even had trouble believing that as a satisfactory answer. What had he gained from her unhappiness? It was all just so pointless. And she hoped that she could remember this feeling of futility in the future when she was having difficulty expressing herself.
Because there would still be difficult times; she knew this. No matter how much regret she held over the events of the past, she couldn’t undo them. She could only take responsibility for her reactions to them. And she was beginning to figure out how to untangle all that dysfunction. But, good lord, was there a lot to untangle.
Hailey was brought out of her thoughts by a snort from Jay as he shifted beside her. He was in deep sleep, clearly unaffected by the distractions she was experiencing tonight. The way he tossed onto his side made her wonder if he was having a nightmare, but he settled quickly and his breathing became even again. She reached out her hand and ran her fingers lightly through his hair. The love she felt for her husband in this moment was immense; there was still a good deal of pain over the fact that he left, and she wasn’t sure that pain would ever go away. But Jay didn’t just leave; he came back. And rather than the two facts canceling each other out, they each carried their own distinct repercussions for their marriage. But, like with so many other aspects of her life, Hailey was learning how to accept the good alongside the bad.
And there was so much good.
Hailey carefully removed her blankets and crept out of bed. In the kitchen, she got herself a large glass of ice water. She drank half of it, but quickly returned to her bed to escape the cold that came over her from her drink, combined with the chill from the hardwood floors permeating into her bare feet. She shivered violently as she climbed back under the covers, migrating involuntarily towards her husband and the warmth that emanated from him. She left just a few inches of space between them, not wanting to disturb his sleep by shocking him awake with her freezing feet. Instead, she settled for being close enough to hear his soft breaths. Hailey concentrated on slowing hers down to match his, confident that a few more moments would be sufficient to lull her mind to its own much-needed rest.
The first thing Jay was aware of when he woke the next morning was the shrill beeping of his alarm. The second was Hailey’s ice-cold feet digging into his shin.
It never failed to surprise him how her toes could still be so cold after an entire night beneath their plentiful blankets. She tried to explain to him once that women were genetically predisposed to chilly hands and feet because so much of their blood was diverted to their reproductive organs. Jay was pretty certain that wasn’t true, but he didn’t have a broad enough understanding of female physiology to disprove it. As he reached over to silence his alarm, he made a mental note to ask his highly-trained brother about it. Common or not, it was indisputable that Hailey ran cold, and he hated to remove himself from the bed and leave her there exposed without her own personal heater.
It didn’t seem to bother her. She didn’t stir, mess of blond hair unmoving from its place across her pillow as he extricated himself. He had every intention of going to the gym for an early morning workout, but something about the domestic tranquility displayed before him pushed that desire far from his mind. Instead, he went out into the kitchen and put a skillet on to heat before getting out the ingredients necessary for his mom’s french toast.
It just felt like one of those mornings.
When Hailey emerged a half hour later, cheeks still rosy from the heat of her shower, the smell of vanilla and cinnamon cloaked the entire apartment with a warmth that even the most brutal Chicago December morning could not undo.
“Smells amazing,” Hailey murmured, sidling up next to him and wrapping her arms around his waist.
“Hope it tastes good, too.” He kissed the top of her head, hair still damp. “Have a good sleep?”
Her shoulders dropped a little at his question, but she answered, “Good enough. Was it a bad night for you? I thought you were going to work out this morning.”
“Nope. Not tired,” he assured her, “just lazy. Thought this seemed like a better use of my time.”
“No argument from me.”
The next several moments were marked by a peaceful silence as they each worked their way through a plate of french toast. It was so nice and easy that Jay almost talked himself out of what he had been thinking about doing all morning. It seemed a shame to ruin such a blissful piece of time with anything that might cause strife. But that wasn’t his intention, though. In fact, he figured that if Hailey knew what he wanted to ask her and he refrained, that would upset her more than the question itself ever would.
So, once he had his fill of breakfast and had licked the last of the syrup off his fingers, Jay asked, “Would you be interested in coming with me some time? To the support group?”
Hailey had been focusing on cutting the last few bites of her toast, but his question drew her attention away. She stared at him, blue eyes wide with surprise. “Is that allowed?” she finally asked. “I thought those groups were closed to anyone who didn’t serve.”
“Usually that is the case, but every month or so they have a session that’s open to friends and family. I thought… I don’t know. I just thought maybe you would be interested in coming with me sometime.”
She took a sip of her coffee and chewed her lip for a moment before replying, “Would you like that?”
“I asked you, didn’t I?”
“Okay, yes,” she chuckled, “you did. And if you’re asking because you truly want me to, then yes, I would be honored to go with you. But the timing of you asking just seems a little odd. And if you’re doing it because you feel like you have to, or if you think I don’t take it seriously, or something… I just want you to know that you don’t have to. I understand that that’s a part of your life that I can’t really relate to.”
“But you can, though,” Jay said without thinking. “You understand PTSD. Maybe not the origin of mine, just like I’ll never really know what it was like for you growing up. But I want to, Hailey. Listening to you talk last night - even just the tiniest snippet about your childhood - I feel like it helps me understand you so much better. And I can see how it’s helping you, too, all the work you’ve done since August. You’re in a much better place, and I know it didn’t come easy. But even when it was a challenge, you’ve trusted me with the more delicate parts of your story. I want to be able to do that with you, too. So, yes, I am a little nervous about it, but you’ve inspired me to be brave. And maybe if… maybe when I start to feel more comfortable talking about all of that… I hate the idea of feeling so vulnerable, but I want you to understand me the way that I feel like I’ve come to understand you, through all of this. I feel like we both deserve that.”
Hailey pushed her empty plate to the side and took a deep breath, one hand splayed across her abdomen in what Jay recognized as a grounding technique. “I do understand you, Jay. Please don’t ever for one second think that you are some giant mystery to me, because you’re not. And one of the first things that I learned about you was how big your heart is. I saw it time and time again in the way that you never pushed me. You always showed up for me, made sure I knew I wasn’t alone, but never pressured me when I didn’t want to talk. And I think that patience you showed me was a big part of why I did feel safe opening up to you when I was finally ready. So, I guess that’s my question for you now. Are you ready? If you are, then I’m there. Whatever support group or therapy session or anything you want to share with me, I’m in. But if you’re not ready yet, then I’m happy to wait until you are. Because you will be. And I know how powerful it is to come to that place on your own timeline. And you deserve to have that, too.”
Jay took a moment to absorb her words, to let everything she was saying wash through him. He stacked their plates and took them to the dishwasher before turning to face her again. “I’m ready, Hailey. I feel like we’ve already wasted too much time.”
“Okay,” she nodded readily, then rose from her seat to meet him where he stood. “Then yes, I would love to go with you to your support group. Let me know when the next one is, and I’ll try my best not to have an existential crisis that day.” She punctuated her answer with a quick kiss to the side of his neck.
“You trying to give me a hickey before work?” he accused.
She laughed softly, the warm puffs of air tangible against his skin where her lips had just been. “No, I’m trying really hard to spare us from each other’s morning breath.”
“And I thank you for that. But seriously, please don’t start anything we don’t have time to finish. I have to be at work in 45 minutes.”
Hailey pulled away and cuffed him lightly on the shoulder. “Better go hop in the shower then. I’ll finish up out here. I really appreciate you making me breakfast.”
“Like I said,” he replied as made his way toward the bedroom, “just felt like one of those mornings. Really needed to get things started on the right foot.”
“Mission accomplished?” she asked, turning on the sink and lathering up a sponge.
“Oh, yeah,” Jay answered, eyes drifting back to his wife and the strand of damp hair that fell into her face every time she looked down at her task. She felt him staring, and sent him a curious smile, the dimple in her cheek prominent in the early morning sunlight. “Mission accomplished.”
